“If you looked different, she wouldn’t of forgot,” said my friend sternly when I was obviously becoming defensive with her after re-ordering the creamer I told her not to.
She asked, “didn’t you order creamer for your coffee?” We were at a restaurant and the server had forgotten it.
“Yeah, but she forgot. It’s ok,” I said. “Uh, no. Order it. You ordered it because you wanted it. Ask her again,” she said. “No, it’s fine. She’s probably tired and forgot. It’s fine,” I replied. “I’ll order it for you,” she insisted. “It’s really not that serious. It’s fine.” She asked anyway.
I honestly thought she was exaggerating because I thought she was trying to turn it into a race thing when it wasn’t. Or, so I thought.
“Maybe she wouldn’t of forgotten the cream if I were white,” I thought for days-on-end after.
Some months after, I attended an industry dinner. I told the hostess at said restaurant that I was looking for the media dinner. She proceeded to tell me that she was unfamiliar with the night’s event and made no effort to verify with anyone else when I asked if she could.
“You can go up-to that table and ask if that’s where you’re supposed to be,” the hostess said about a table with a part of six it looked like.
If you’re thinking that it was the hostess position to ask those to tables and not mine, please raise your hand because same! Imagine earning the right through your tireless work to be treated with little regard only to be reduced to such an audacious suggestion.
Since the hostess supposedly didn’t know of such an event and my name wasn’t on the reservation list (to top it off the PR coordinator didn’t bother to instruct me as to whether it be under my name or not), I had to go back down to valet, pay a valet fee and drive back home $22 less richer with my plus one (who took the day off to come with me, by the way), dressed with nowhere to go.
“If you looked different, she wouldn’t of forgot,” I heard my friends voice ring loudly in my head.
I realized in that moment that had news anchor Demetria Obilor also looked different, she wouldn’t of been met with the vile comments about her figure and her hair instead. It’s not fair. It became obvious that as a journalist of color, I was going to have to tap into my inner Solange.
I remembered her interview with Interview on the what inspired “A Seat at the Table“:
“At this point, it should be an expectation, not something that you’re asking permission for. I feel like I’m getting closer to that, not taking on all the baggage when I have to just stand up for myself and say, ‘No, I’m uncomfortable with that.’”
Needless to say I was wearing a red cocktail dress and a camouflage puffer jacket, a silver chain choker, and black combat-heeled boots because fashion. Aka, I was like mad ethnic. It shouldn’t matter but it did.
This experience made me realize four things: 1) I do not possess the privilege of dressing ethnic unless I’m white, 2) I can be fair, but I can’t be polite (to paraphrase Beyonce), 3) in order for me to be taken seriously I need to dress less ethnic, 4) be aware and present at all times, and 5) I must stand up for myself and demand my literal seat at the table (Alexa: play “Cranes in the Sky” by Solange).
I bring this up because you may have caught my tweet this past Sunday.
To ask me to report events, grand openings, etc., in Vegas on @carramagazine or (any other outlet I contribute to) when I or the mag weren’t invited, couldn’t be MORE offensive. In case I haven’t made this clear before, always expect to give us a SEAT at the table via an invite. pic.twitter.com/WkOesJl9G7
— TITA (@titacarra_) October 29, 2018
I was reminded, again, that despite my accolades and accomplishments, I am regarded by some as not important enough to ensure that the details are taken care of. They should’ve been prepared for my arrival. They should’ve better communicated what the reservation name was under. They should’ve respect my time and me, period. Yet the same dismissive behavior happened again this past weekend, when I nor CARRA were invited to this past weekend’s high-profiled Halloween event in Las Vegas yet other non-media related individuals were seen. However, they did send press coverage for us to cover….
This is how I arrive full circle to what my friend said earlier. Maybe if I looked different, I wouldn’t be forgotten. Maybe if I looked different, the hostess would’ve asked both tables if the either table was hosting the industry dinner. Maybe if I wasn’t a woman? Maybe if I wasn’t a person of color? Perhaps if I was a white woman or a white man?
One thing’s for sure, I’m done playing with the maybes and making excuses for people. My friend was right and I was wrong. This entire situation is a great example of the passive aggressiveness that us people of color experience daily. Even if you’re an accomplished one with the resume to prove it.
I have an outstanding career. I have interviewed top chefs, celebrities, entrepreneurs, hospitality c-executives, and more as a luxury editor. I have worked with top publishing and tech companies. I have held c-executive positions and have worked on highly-publicized projects. I have never asked for handouts. I have worked and continue to work hard to build a name for myself and this is how I am treated.
I deserve a seat at the table like everyone else. If anything, more than anyone because I have earned my to the top without nepotism. The passive aggressive behavior is something I will no longer tolerate in any aspect of my life. I am only thankful my friend made me see that I had been allowing “certain” people to get away with procrastinated and/or deliberate failed attempts to acknowledge my notability for no other reason that I simply deserve the respect. A seat as the head of the table is my mentality from now on.
